Thursday, January 2, 2014

I am tired

I woke up this morning and realized I am getting older. Humph. What happened? They say you are as old as you feel.

I feel fine. It's just that with dementia I think it sucks the life and years right out of you.

This year I turn 61. What? I have had memory issues for at least five years before being diagnosed in 2010. So if my calculations are correct I am going into my ninth year dealing with this.

It's a known fact that stress ages you. I can't imagine anything anymore stressful than memory loss.

And of course when you talk about dementia, memory loss is just one part of the disease.

I get so tired now a days. Run down, just that blah feeling. Don't want to do what needs to be done. Sometimes getting out of bed is huge issue.

That's the disease. You are just broken down from one day to the next. Right now I can't think of one thing worth doing. And I'm simply not like that.

But your brain controls what you do, what you say, actions you take or don't take. Patients are at the mercy of this disease. That is a given.

I could do dozens of things here around the house today. But I know once I attempt one thing, that one thing alone could be the very thing that throws me into a depression, stressful situation.

I remember when this first happened. I told everyone I had decided to do something about this disease. I was not going to sit in my recliner and watch the world pass me by.

Knowing there is no cure, no slowing the progression didn't matter. I would move forward.

During the past few years I have done numerous speaking engagements. From locally to all over the country. At first they were pretty easy. I would get confused but I just looked at Phyllis June who was always right there in the front row and she would tell me what I was talking about.

A few months ago that all changed. Even the events we did here in Ohio proved to be too much of a stress on me. It would take me days to recuperate from just being gone from home.

Now, putting dishes away, doing some laundry, even letting the dogs out is stressful. Seems almost impossible, but its true. I have let the dogs out more than once and forgotten about them.

They never go anywhere, especially Sam. He sits right in front of the door and after a few minutes he will let me know he's out there.

I'm tired. That's what it is. When the weather breaks and its not dark at 5:30pm that will indeed help. Till then, it's do what I can do. Sometimes I just can't even force myself to do something.

It's just easier to stare out the window. Remember that. Patients regardless of what you think do not need to be entertained 24/7. I enjoy doing nothing.

Sometimes nothing is just what the doctor ordered. Pushing myself was the thing to do before. But now even that has changed. Everything changes.

It's not just memory loss. Not at all...