Thursday, February 13, 2014

A Couple Bad Days

I have had a couple of bad days here. I catch myself wondering why? Then of course it hits me.

The thing with me and this disease, I know when I am having a bad day, know if from the moment I wake up. It throws everything off.

The routine goes right out the window. There are so many things I just can't deal with. When Phyllis is trying to tell me something, I just sit there and agree, or disagree, not knowing really what is being said.

Trying to follow a conversation on a good day is rough, but when one is having a bad day its just next to impossible.

I suppose it's like waking up after surgery. The way one feels, still in the anesthesia. You see things, you hear things, but you can't figure out anything that is going on.

When you go through these times there isn't a thing you can do about it. Just ride it out, and hope that you come through the other side.

I try to tell people whats its like, what I experience with these, because many times there loved ones are far worse off. And there is no coming back. It's one big blur.

Try to imagine the how it feels, how you react after surgery, or any meds you may have been on that feel as if you are having an out of body experience.

When I make a post like this I never do this for people to think "Oh, poor Rick" matter of fact there are many who would love to just have the struggles I have.

I try to post to put my thoughts down as soon as I can, but even then I find myself wandering off on something. I guess what I am wanting so say is there is no fixing this.

What is going on with me, I just have to deal with. I don't do very well or course, no one does. But that is what you have to do. One day things will get bad and never get better.

That is what you worry about. Is it today, next week, next month? It's constantly on my mind. And that is because of the disease also.

All our admins know that when I go through these periods they have to watch my posts, just as they would anyone else's. I try to post what I am thinking and somehow it gets or ends up something else.

I want you to know that things are fine. I am fumbling along here. I think it may be time for a med change, course i always think that when this happens.

I try to convince myself if I was on something stronger, that would help. It wouldn't. That's denial. There is no fix, I need to practice what I preach.

I hate this disease, and everything that goes along with it.