Saturday, September 12, 2015

An Observation From An Alzheimer's Patient

An observation from an Alzheimer’s patient, me. This is how many dementia patients feel. Yet can't communicate it to anyone. Think about how horrible that is.
Having Early On-Set Alzheimer’s Disease I never realized how difficult it might be on occasion. I have no control like I used to, it has been stripped away and more control leaves me every day. 
Yet I am blamed for this. I am told it is my fault. I am told to just relax, breathe and everything will be okay. It won't be okay, there is nothing about this disease that is okay. But it isn’t that simple. Why do people think it is so simple?
Funny, everyone else loses control over high stressed situations and it is all right, but when I do over the same situations it's different, yet the same. I just don’t understand why the rules are so different for me.
I hate laying blame, hate making excuses, but this is one time when it really is not my fault.
Alzheimer’s is an evil destructive beast that is hateful and vile and sits back and laughs while you cry and wonder why everyone is blaming you, yelling at you turning away from you.
Who more is to blame, the one who honestly cannot control it or the ones who can, but choose not to, who choose instead to blame and criticize the one who can’t?
There are situations where even the strongest can crumble, curl into a ball and cry and scream, so why get angry with a person whose self-control is being eaten away and slowly destroyed when they do the same, or less?
I don’t understand the rules you have made, why they seem to apply only to me and not to you.
Why can you get angry, scream and yell, throw a tantrum, but I cannot?
Why can you cry and I cannot? Why can you laugh out loud, make a scene, and I cannot? Why am I to live so different from you?
There will come a time when I will no longer be able to cry, scream, get angry, or show any emotion.
I will not be able to laugh with you, smile, or love you. Will you blame me then too?
© 2015 Rick Phelps