Monday, March 21, 2016

Dementia And Progression

I haven't posted for a while. Truth is things are a bit foggy. Not in a sense of seeing things, but in a sense of understanding what is going on.

Leeanne and I had a long talk about this a couple weeks ago, or it could have been yesterday. All I do know is we have talked.

I set Mp up so when this day came, where I wouldn't know exactly what was going on, others would. Leeanne does, and she has been a God send to me. I will never be able to tell her how we feel about Louis and her both. They are family.

I read a post, a short post this morning from a member who said she had been here some three years but this was her first time posting.

That's the thing about Mp. Sure we want people to engage and post. That's how we learn from one another. But it certainly is not a requirement.

Many of our members don't post for one reason or another. I am getting to fit into that mold. Simply because of the disease.

Over the years I have heard over and over, "How does he do what he does, having dementia? My loved one can't do hardly anything."

Well, I am getting to that "can't do hardly anything" mode myself. I kept telling everyone around me that this was coming. And now it's here.

I am not going anywhere. I just won't be posting as I once did daily. I can recall when I used to do daily video's and post them on here.

That came to a halt probably a year or so ago. Why? The disease. It's always the disease.

Even though I am slipping, struggling, I still have so much more to do. We have a book to finish, I have about a million other personal things I want to do.

But this disease dictates what I will do and how long I will do anything. I could go on and on about what has been happening, but that would just lead to some sort of pity party.

I have undoubtably had the worst three weeks that I have ever had since being diagnosed. And I know this is just the beginning.

We will still be camping this year. I can only pray this is not my last at that also.

Focus. I have none. Common sense. Seems that has gone out the window also. And my memory, well I have no short term, and the long term is slipping away also.

This is what is supposed to happen. One just hopes I can stay where I am today and not progress anymore for a year or more.

It's like someone turned the lights out. I have done some incredible things since being diagnosed. And I have also done some things that are anything but incredible.

Even saying I have dementia isn't helping anymore. Used to be I would have to remind myself of my condition. Now, it's with me 24/7.  It always has been, but sometimes in the shadows.

Now, not so much. So again, I am not going anywhere, physically at least. I am mentally. And no one can go with me.

This is the beginning of the journey I will take alone. There are many things I have not shared with anyone about dementia.

There are things that happen that are just to horrible to talk about or to relive. It's a dark downward spiral. The depression I struggle with is worse than usual. The anxiety of just having the disease gets the best of you, which adds to the depression, which adds to more medication, which adds to more confusion....

Know this. Do what you can now. Don't wait. Don't put off things you have wanted to do. There will come a day when those things are simply not attainable.

Even if it's something small. Take those walks, even if they are just around the block. Watch your favorite movie or shows, even if you can't figure out what is going on. Listen to the songs that you did when you were young.

Take in this beautiful world we have and give thanks to God everyday you are allowed to be here.

There is not much I haven't done. Most things I still wanted to do were border line illegal anyways. I have had a great life. A wonderful family around me. And Memory People. The love you have given could never be replaced. And it will never be taken for granted.

A loving wife, friend, and companion through the good and the bad. I look back and think, yea I did that. Wasn't the best, but I sure gave it my all....and I will continue to do this, "While I Still Can..."

© Rick Phelps 2016